If you’re younger than 25, Spoiler Alert! Your metabolism is going to start to slow down! It’s a bit of a slow process. You won’t notice it until you put on your jeans that have always fit well and realize OMG, you have a muffin top! Or if you’re a lady, perhaps it’ll be the day you look in the mirror before putting on your shirt and realize you’re starting to grow a set of back tits. Now I’m not knocking people of size. If you’re comfortable in your own skin, that’s awesome. Do your thing.
On the other hand if you’re like me and you don’t feel like you can pull off a muffin top or make a set of back tits look sexy, you start exercising. If you’re like me you also hate exercising because it can be boring, frustrating, and hard to get results. My advice: give yourself a goal and write it down, or better yet tell a friend or family member. Studies have shown that when you write your goals down, you’re 42% more likely to achieve them, but when you tell a friend or family member you’re 78% more likely to achieve them. Just be careful to pick someone supportive and encouraging, not someone who will judge you.
My goal is to run a 5K. I started running three times a week and lifting twice a week. Of course like the stubborn Irish bitch I am, I didn’t consult my doctor beforehand and injured my lower back. I ignored it for weeks causing it to get worse because I’m a freakin’ genius. Coming back from an injury is a freakin’ roller coaster ride. I don’t know how professional athletes do it. I suspect by having more physical grace than a drunk giraffe; unlike myself.
After spending a lot of time, energy, and money I finally started to get close to where I was prior to my injury. In fact, I’m actually better than I was when I started. Then I hit a plateau. Anyone who’s ever trained for something and hit a plateau can tell you how frustrating that is. I did a lot of swearing. I at least had the decency to wait until I had left the gym and gotten into my car before I let loose. I’m still welcome at the gym, but the guy who was parked next to me looked pretty appalled. That was awkward.
I asked around and found out that a change in my training routine was in order. My boyfriend was doing the Insanity Max 30 workout videos with Shaun T. When he suggested that I try it, I told him he was nuts. Then the idea started to grow on me like a goiter or a boil. Out of morbid curiosity I decided to give it a try. Having watched my boyfriend complete all 60 days and seeing the sheer amount of sweat and some of the moves I knew I had to prepare. I got myself a good pair of cross trainers since it’s generally a bad idea to wear running sneakers to do something other than running or walking and given the number of workouts per week and the amount of sweat I had witnessed I invested in more sports bras. Day 1 was the Cardio Challenge. I was ready and determined. I was good to go.
No the hell I wasn’t! Folks, I haven’t had an ass-whooping like that since my mother cracked me with a wooden spoon when I was like 4. Morbid curiosity damn near killed this cat. I have two words to describe what I went through: Holy and crap. I poured so much sweat that my swamp ass had swamp ass. Girls don’t sweat, they glow my sweet petootie. Those girls have never tried an Insanity workout and yes, dammit I did the modifier because I am not doing jumpy up and downy things with my jacked up spine. You wanna fight about it?
I worked, but I felt good about it and because Shaun T’s a good motivator. He owns Tony Horton in every possible way. There I said it. I tried P90X when it came out and I found Tony Horton so annoying that by Day 3 I wanted to kick him in the nuts so hard his ancestors would roll over. To this day the sound of his voice makes me foam at the mouth. I heard it last week and I had to be given a chew toy to calm me down and redirect my attention. My mentality about trainers is if I like you, you’re not doing your job. If my fiery hatred is any indication, Tony Horton absolutely did his job. He just wasn’t my cup of tea. Shaun T is more upbeat and seems genuinely happy that you have successfully stuck a disc in a player and used your opposable thumb to press play. Unlike Tony Horton, he lets you see him fail. He admits that he’s tired and it makes him come across as more human. And yes, folks he’s doing his job because he would be appalled at my impolite suggestions for the horse he rode in on. Yet, I can’t entirely hate him. I hate burpees and tricep dips, but not him.
I’ve completed up to Day 15, so I’m about 1/4 of the way through. So far, I’ve gained a new appreciation for staying hydrated. My blood would’ve congealed by now with the amount of sweat that’s poured out of me. I also have a much closer relationship with my heating pad. It’s truly a beautiful friendship. As I continue I’ll be sure to share my progress, because thus far it’s been an experience. Also if you happen to know who invented the burpee, please drop me a line. I have a few words for that bastard.