One Week of Heckling

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Henry, the avocado tree my mom planted 2 years ago

This time last week, I was enjoying my first full day in Florida visiting one of my favorite hecklers: my mother. I flew home yesterday and woke up to howling wind and it reminded me of the Stark house words: Winter is Coming. It’s an interesting juxtaposition with my mother’s adopted words which are Screw the Cold and the Snow!

 

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Just a crane casually strolling across my mom’s front yard

The journey there was about as good as any air travel adventure could be. I’m starting to think that we as a species are way overthinking the process of getting onto and off of a plane. It is my firm belief that the absolute worst time to have to pee is when the plane is in its final descent and you’re not allowed to leave your seat.

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Hanging out at the Naples Zoo

Once we successfully de-planed and I relieved myself, we made our way to the curb where my mother was going to pick us up or so I thought. She parked and met us inside the airport. We napped, went to Saturday church service and met some of her church ladies and had some church chat then hit Rib City which is a bangin’ BBQ joint.

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Our adventures included a trip to Target, the shooting range, Bass Pro Shop, Ron Jon Surf Shop, a visit to the Naples Zoo and Tin City, walks to the beach, skim boarding, a dolphin boat tour, and a Friday night showing of Justice League.

 

My mom found my love of Target entertaining. I found the groupings on her shooting range target unsettling. She talked about getting the license to carry concealed until I reminded her that she lived in Naples, not Compton. She eyed up Sig Sauers at the Bass Pro Shop. I suppose I should cool it on the nursing home jokes.

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Our visit to the zoo was educational. There were some penguins visiting. I know the last thing one expects to see in sunny southwest Florida is penguins, but there they were. There are also two black bears who were rescued from a private owner who wasn’t equipped to properly care for them. They regularly test bear-proof trash cans and one manufacturer discovered the hard way that they needed to upgrade their plastic when one of the bears sat on their prototype and broke it.

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Uno the blind Florida Panther on urgent cat business

There’s also a Florida Panther who was shot in the face with a shotgun and lost one of its eyes and is blind in the other. Uno was found on the side of the road emaciated after his injuries left him unable to hunt and living on roadkill for weeks. Veterinarians treated him and the zoo rehabilitated him and gave him a permanent home since he’s not able to return to the wild. My mom is now even more astounded that I survived to adulthood when I approached the coyote enclosure and exclaimed, “Puppy!”

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Puppy!

We visited Tin City and the Naples Winery because wine. We got up early the next day and went out on a boat tour to see if we could see some dolphins. We weren’t disappointed. In fact, there was a full on dolphin playdate going on in the water and we were invited. Sadly I could not jump into the water with them because of some “They’re wild animals with cone-shaped teeth and a rostrum made of solid bone,” nonsense. Still, it was really awesome to see a thriving marine habitat despite the Republican party’s best efforts.

 

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I’ve found my spirit animal

My mom had to go and pick up her Pastor from the airport so we needed something to do Friday evening so we decided to go see Justice League. Recliner theaters are awesome but in Florida they’re pretty funny because you’ll undoubtedly hear at least one senior citizen snoring. The movie was actually pretty good. I enjoyed it. I’m still a Marvel fan fo’ life but well played, DC. Well played.

 

I might’ve taken a vacation, but my comedy didn’t. I wrote some new material and yes my mom is just thrilled.

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What the devil do you mean women aren’t funny?!

There seems to be a stigma about female stand-up comedians and women in comedy in general. Apparently there are some people who seem to think that women can’t be funny. To them I say SAY WHAT?!

Uhhh Gilda Radner, Bea Arthur, Jan Hooks, Paula Poundstone, Lisa Lampanelli, Tammy Pescatelli, Maria Bamford, Madeline Kahn, Melissa McCarthy, Leslie Jones, Ellen DeGeneres, Kate McKinnon, Ana Gasteyer, Molly Shannon, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Jane Krakowski, Jane Curtin, Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig, Janeane Garofalo, Laura Kightlinger, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Cheri Oteri, Betty freakin’ White, and that’s just off the to top of my head.

It’s 2017. Women can be funny. What am I doing outside the kitchen? Being funnier than you. Come at me.